Thursday, July 21, 2011


"Douchebag" is not a culturally "Black" phrase. We as a people, and this isn't a generalization, simply an observation preambled with a fallacious platitude,  tend to stick to "emmer effer!" Well the Richard Pryor version of that. "You mother f..."

I frequent Jak & Jil and observe upcoming clothiers out of Philadelphia like Seun Olubodun of Duke & Winston with intrigue. I use "emmer effer" and not its more ribald orgin often.  I imagine these two do too.

L'Chayyim Bitch!

The August 2011 issue of GQ is presently at your local Stop N' Shop and unlike the Australian GQ which is a grandchild subsidiary of News Corp and Old Man Murdoch, we have nothing to fear! Let Wendi handle that. Besides, phone hacking is so passé. What is this 2002 and is Lisbeth Salander the waifish mastermind behind this scandalous affair? Methinks her and the Duchess Fergie should go into business. It'd be glamorous. They'll hire Alexander Skärgård as their "face" and cause tech-hacking elite media frenzy wherever they go.

H. L. Rogers and Peter Littleton convinced the editors at Gentleman's Quarterly to feature their latest literary concoction The Rogers & Littleton Guide to America's Douchiest Colleges. And it is a classic.
A hilariously douchey doozy.

"The 10 Douchiest Colleges in America"
Brigham Young ranked sixth.
"Chipper White Folk"  Conference


Yale, the school who knows they're better than you even if you are their academic, athletic, personality, all things considered superior, they'll probably still rely on condescending smug because you didn't get invited to the party that is ELITISM and/or you idiotically denied the tap ranked third.
"Where'd You Go to College" Conference

Penn State my safety school because WE ARE PENN STATE even if you didn't go there and just happen to have grown up in the city the state doesn't even want to claim, shout out to Philadelphia, you share some sort of obligatory pride ranked second.
"Belligerent Drunk Masses" Conference

Cornell my Alma mater ranked 1st! Finally something!   <-- And that pitiful desperation for even self-deprecating acknowledgement and approbation is why we deserve the Douchiest College Numero Uno Spot.
"Fake Ivy League" Conference.

Rogers and Littleton wrote a pretty accurate inner monologue us Cornellians melo-dramatically sate during our more pitiable states.

If You Could Read the Thought Bubble Over Campus: You know what I'm sick of hearing? That Cornell isn't really Ivy League! What the fuck! I paid my $160K! Don't treat me like I went to the University of Michigan. Honestly, is it because no presidents went here? Well, choke on this, you pretentious eating-club ass wipes: Janet Reno! Paul Wolfowitz! Alan mutha-fuzzin' Keyes (transferred to Harvard, '70)! Is it because all anyone ever talks about is how people go to Cornell and then kill themselves? It's a myth! Check the numbers! Or maybe you can't because you weren't required to take any math classes at Brown! Is it because there's a part of the school that's actually a state school, where you can get three faux–Ivy League credits for taking Maple Syrup Production and Beekeeping? I didn't attend the Ag School! I took courses from famous professors just like all you non-student-loan-owing ass hats at Yale and Harvard who keep telling me you'll keep my internship application "on file." You know what? Keep the Penn guy's application on file! Like he went to an Ivy League school. Oh, okay, make the hotel joke. Right, I got my degree from Cornell, and now I'm a bellhop. Hahahahaha! That's hilarious. I haven't heard that before. Fuck you, Columbia. Your football team sucks. Go Big Red! (Is it because our mascot is a "Big Red"?)
Yep. That's essentially verbatim.

Douchey Alums: Andy from "The Office," Keith Olbermann, Ann Coulter, Adolph Coors, Jr., Lauren Weisberger, Bill Maher.

Funny story. 
My parents always ask me "Why is it that Cornell alum seem to be the most bizarre and outspoken. Like you guys just have to get your little points across." And then I consulted our list of Douchey Alum. ...touché mama dukes.

Funnier story.
I was on a first round interview for a finance firm. My interviewer was an attractive blonde woman with a standard slim black pencil skirt and fitted grey cardigan. Her hair was pulled in a bun. Ultra conservative. She let her inner pizzazz be Great as her shoes were urban Mary Jane's and her nails a matted black polish and I am almost positive the silk chiffon on her neck was the McQueen Bone Scarf. This was going to be a good interview.

We're talking about hedge funds and the exotic derivatives market and somewhere during the course of the conversation we land on the previous day's episode of The View with the recurring pundit Ann Coulter. During the episode Coulter displayed her overwhelming lack of sociological grasp and empathy whilst attempting to disparage the credibility of Keith Olbermann's Cornell degree. It was raucously entertaining. We both share a laugh.

At this moment there is a break in the interviewer/interviewee code on her end, going into great detail explaining that during her time at Cornell she was a member of Delta Gamma sorority. I chip in that my good friend and former roommate is in DG as well. She then states that Ann Coulter was one of her sorority sister's "Big" and that even then no one in Delta Gamma liked her. My interviewer let's on that it was Coulter who started "The Cornell Review" in the '80's because "she had no other outlet to spew her extremist views." To be fair, Cornell's character flaw is that it is not the most conducive to intellectual debate if one happens to be unabashedly and uncompromisingly right-wing Conservative. Should have gone to Campbell. But... The Cornell Review isn't exactly known for it's investigative beat, rather for its rabble-rousing yellow journalism that seemed to have always had a bone to pick with minority groups on campus. What's with right-wingers and "special-interest groups"?  Hello! You guys are a special interest group. Once The Review reported African American students were loitering the campus toting Smith and Wesson's and Colt 45's. ...Really?

Needless to say I was invited to second rounds. Rapport bitches.

No comments: